Loneliness

Previously on a Clubhouse session, I shared my views on being alone and loneliness but I felt there was some unfinished business on this topic that led me to record an episode on my Nightingale podcast. Prior to that I have also posted some key takeaways from the discussion on Clubhouse on my Instagram @nightingale_sharonc.

Here is the full write up that correspond to that episode of Loneliness.

Being Alone is something intentional. It’s a choice we make to want to be Alone – for various reasons but most specifically for self reflection and self reassessment. It is when we are alone with our own presence, we can notice our thoughts that linger in our mind; the positives and the negatives. During this time of observation, we can raise our awareness to then delve in to reassess ourselves. So, being Alone and giving ourselves the chance to observe our BEing is powerful.

Of course, there are some people who choose to be Alone because of their introvert personality or them being socially anxious. Now, Social anxiety is also known as social phobia – a condition when it is beyond being shy or awkward in a social settings. It is the fear to be amongst people and having eyes on you in your being. So being in a crowd of people and having a spotlight shine on you can be nerve-wrecking for socially anxious people. It can be overwhelming and it can happen to both introverts and extroverts – as some write ups on social anxiety or social phobia have mentioned.

In contrast, Loneliness is commonly bound by circumstances where our emotional needs are mostly not met or neglected. Sometimes, one can be lonely but at peace. This can be known as solitude, but loneliness in its rawness is a state of mind. It’s how we perceive the current state of our being.

We can be surrounded by people 24/7, yet we can still feel LONELY. This is because although there are people around us, but there is absence of the emotional support by them – like ability to hold us up without judgement and also not competing with one another within the group of (quote-unquote) ‘trusted’ people.

Also, it may come as a surprise that there is this term called Professional Loneliness. This term was introduced by one of the speakers during the discussion in Clubhouse. I went on to find out more about this term and I will summarise Professional Loneliness or what they also term as Professional Isolation.

In a brief definition, Professional Isolation is when we feel that all things revolving our profession is not understood by the people around us when we talk about it. For example the pressure we face or the decision we have to make in our position in a company. I take myself for example - when I was having a hard time in one of my previous companies, none of the friends I spoke to could understand. After talking to them, I went home feeling like why did I talk about it in the first place. I couldn’t feel any support and the most outrageous remark I got from a good friend – one who I trusted and thought she would understand – instead told me “well, it’s your battle against the rest, Sharon.” This remark basically tells me that it’s pointless for me to stand on my ground no matter what the situation is. So you see, I felt I was alone at that point and went on to face it all on my own.

How to curb or mitigate Loneliness.

(Please please please note that this is solely my take & perspectives having been on my own journey of self care, self growth and self renewal. Please seek professional assistance/support if you think you need help.)

So, throughout my journey of observation, I discovered 3 ways that could help curb or mitigate loneliness:

The first one is,

☕ Return home to our inner self and re-connect with our values.

Get to know ourselves in a deeper level. Get to know who we are beyond those roles and titles we play or hold in the society. What is it that really perk us up effortlessly. What triggers us by a snap of fingers. Be honest with ourself.

For me, I like being surrounded by people who are humble while they are celebrating their wins. I am always joyful when I know the people I am connected with are ethical and carries integrity with them when they are being themselves.

So go discover yourself and be in touch with your values. Everyone has their own set of values.

The second one is,

☕ Carry self awareness to know where we fit and who fits in our circle, regardless of whether one is an introvert, extrovert or ambivert.

The reality is that we don't fit everywhere – and not all environment suits us.

As to who fits in our circle, there are some people who we fit in better and some just cannot fit.

Just like jigsaw puzzles, some pieces fit on just right; and some pieces, you get the same colours together but it just doesn't make out a picture.

So yes, go out and try different social settings to know how we fit in and who aligns with us.

For example, most of my old friends from childhood and school know that I don't club. Even during my younger times, I have tried going to clubs but just couldn’t make myself at ease in that sort of settings. Some friends commented how is it on earth a city girl like me does not like to club. Well, personally, I don't need to smoke, get drunk or party till the next morning to be called cool. So select your crowd. Don't bother how people are going to label you or say about you, just feel comfortable in your own being is utmost important.

The third one is,

☕ Declutter our social circle every once in a while. Make space for new connection that adds value. In one of my previous episodes, 'Today, Let's Make Space …', I spoke on this aspect of decluttering. I'll just do a little recap here. There are people in our life who are there for a certain period of time. Maybe there's something we need to learn from them or they need to learn from us. But as seasons changed, we grow and we change - hopefully for the better; our priorities changed as well and this may determine whether some of our old connections or friendships are still deserving to be in our life. If not, then allow them to depart - or - allow yourself to depart from them.

So, when we have the time, take a look at our connection and friendship logs. Understand that We could all be walking on different paths, but we want to keep those who stays with us no matter which phase of life we are at.

In my own summary, Loneliness is not a sickness or illness - it is a condition which many of us can fall into, sometimes unintentionally.

Some people brag about being surrounded by people while some other people just can't wrap their heads around why they are constantly surrounded by people, when all they want is some space for themselves.

Neither is wrong nor right. Not all things in life is binary.

Choose those who serve our wellbeing and be sure to make space for ourselves in the end.

Loneliness is also not a lifetime condition. We can get out of it only if we are willing to keep our minds open and have self awareness. There shall be no element of shame or guilt even if anyone is in such state currently; BECAUSE there are ways to curb this condition.

We all know that sometimes things just happen. No matter what personality we are or how we feel about connection, the quote "No man is an island." is much relevant here.

At the end of the day, Humans are social creatures. Some crave for social attention or connection cos that's where they get their energy from.

For some, social attention or connection can deplete their energy.

As everything is a balance in this world, we can't constantly be a social butterfly throughout. We need rest.

We can't constantly use social anxiety as an excuse not to get out of the house. We need some connections. Maybe try saying hi to the person behind the prepping bar at Subway or the person who takes your order the next time.

“There is no Lonely Jack in this world.

Accept the notion that we all don't need to be exactly the same as our neighbour.

Because everyone is made for someone.”

Some reflective questions:

lsn't it nice to have people who can genuinely cheer for us when we are rejoicing?

Cry with us when we are in pain?

Stay with us in their presence when we're overwhelmed?

No expectations in return, no judgement by the other person.

Stay blessed and always take good care of yourself! It is all that matters.