Are Family Values Determined by Love or Traditional Practices or Culture

July seems to be a month with many good movies screening in the cinema. I was able to watch a couple of movies which are trending at this moment. Inside Out 2, the cartoon was good – trust me, it’s not a cartoon that is meant only for children, this cartoon was made with adults in mind. It  was all about emotions. I've also watched the Thai blockbuster movie, How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies which inspired this writing.

Let’s begin with the Thai movie. It revolves around a grandson, named M whose intention of looking after his cancer-stricken grandma, fondly known as Ah Mah so he can win over her inheritance. This was at the influence of his cousin, Mui from his father’s side which M saw her inheriting her grandfather’s house after spending years looking after him.

(Very quickly, Ah Mah is a term used to address grandmother in Chinese and I will be referencing grandmother all throughout this writing as Ah Mah.)

Now, even M’s initial intention was all about getting his Ah Mah’s inheritance, but the more he spent his time accompany his Ah Mah all through the days, saw their bond got closer. M would help Ah Mah at her congee stall, accompany her to all her doctors and chemo treatment sessions. M also saw another layer of the family’s complication that ties closely to family values and traditional practices or culture including the sacrifices of his own mother and the privilege the sons get in comparison. In this movie, Ah Mah has 2 sons and a daughter, the latter is M’s mother.

(Photo credit: Movie: How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies : https://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/leisure/2024/06/03/how-to-make-millions-before-grandma-dies-a-touching-thai-tearjerker/ )

Often in most Chinese families, sons are the much preferred offspring simply because they have the ability to continue the family line. The daughters are always expected to do all the care-taking responsibilities while the sons are all about career progress. Parents always expect the sons to look after them but really it is the daughter-in-law who are given the responsibilities to do the care-taking bit. So basically, the daughters of the family are expected to get married and to care for the parents of her husband.

Maybe we see less of this today, but the fact that a movie can be made with huge support shows the relevance of it with today’s family values and traditional practices.

So it got me thinking Are Family Values Determined by Love or Traditional Practices or Culture?

Between parental love and traditional culture, do parents still lean towards traditional thinking that privileges are given to the sons and the daughters remain under appreciated despite everything that is done for the family.

I can say I do know some connections whose parents still show big differences in their treatment between sons and daughters. The sons are left with inheritance and the daughters (regardless married or not) are expected to figure out life for themselves.

Question is, can parents ever treat their children equally?

This movie also showcased how lonely parents can become when the children are all grown up seeking for fortune outside. Every child for the reason of career leave the parents to the other siblings to look after or if they are the only child, parents mostly are left on their own.  Every child is constantly busy to even overlooking to want to take over the baton from the other siblings to look after the parents. While it is understandable that some people are destined to be abroad for work on a permanent stay, every child claimed they have a life to build and inadvertently forget that the sibling who is currently looking after the parents also have a life to build.

(Photo credit: Movie: How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies : https://www.rappler.com/entertainment/movies/review-why-need-watch-how-to-make-millions-before-grandma-dies/)

As our parents aged, all they need from the children is time. However, iIt is also the time which the children need to navigate their life without parents so they can sustain themselves or pursue their dreams.

Question continuously remains, who takes the baton looking after the parents?

Ah Mah in this movie showcased that although she has rewarded physical possession to her sons during her living days, she does love her daughter through her reliance on her daughter who is always there no matter what the situation. Ah Mah uttered that the one she always wanted to live in with is her daughter. But for the longest time, Ah Mah and her daughter can’t seem to see eye-to-eye mainly because Ah Mah can’t express herself.

Looking at my dad and many of my friends’ parents, the elderly of the past do not know how to express themselves. That is because their vocabulary for emotions are so limited. It’s either happy or sad. Laugh or Cry. And back in the days, conversation on emotions are deemed to be for the weak. Everyone shall always appear tough and strong and happy so it is no wonder when I was growing up, I always hear the adults telling the crying child, “You are all grown up. Don’t cry.” or “Boys don’t cry. You’re like a girl crying over such thing.” Remarks like this have an effect where true emotions felt by children are numbed and it positions them to not know how to regulate their emotions when they grow up. This could also be a reason why some of us have relationship issue with our parents? It’s all about the suppressed emotions and the misguided presumption/assumption/perspectives about what and how emotions can and shall be felt.  

Maybe if they have watched the cartoon, Inside Out 2, they may be able to understand that humans are made out of all the emotions felt and it is OKAY to feel them. There is no need to limit the emotions vocabulary to only Joy, Sad, Fear, Anger & Disgust. Feel everything including anxiety, boredom, envy or even embarrass. Why limit how we feel?

Another good message from this cartoon is that  there is no need to change oneself to fit in or to belong. Upholding one’s true self is the path to peaceful and free living.

(Photo Credit: Movie: Inside Out 2 : https://www.filmofilia.com/inside-out-2-final-trailer-new-emotions-stir-up-rileys-world-184874/)

All in all these 2 movies ties back to many of some of the intricacies of life as we so see it. As someone who has cared for my late mom over the period she was sick and until she left, watching this heartwarming movie definitely brought back some memories and also some things I thought I could have done better. My dad who is still around with me is one way I can better appreciate his presence and showing him how he can express his feelings without being label as weak, soft or always having to remain in the masculine armour. And values in every family is different but there are the similarities in the traditional thinking we may see in the elderly folks.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful parents who instil good family values raising us; and every family bonds through different values. I trust that every couple who enters into their union through marriage have faith that they are going to build a life together in all life situations. Having children is a blessing but sometimes circumstances and events may have skewed their union or faith in the process of raising children.

To all parents, I wish children are raised with reasonable traditional practices or culture that serves them as a good human being. I have seen all too many times where the child who the parents love most, praised most, proud of the most end up not looking after them.

To all children, parents give what they could and how they could at the time. Every generation brings something and filial piety sometimes can be easily forgotten with cross-border marriage or abroad career prospect.  Spend some time with your elderly folks, whenever you can. As their age expands in number, their world shrink a little bit more by the year. All they have is just you and your siblings in their mind - always wishing that you are safe and blessed with abundance.

I’ll leave you with these words,

“We are here for a temporary time period.

We don’t know who live the longest these days.

We choose what memories to create; and so make memories with those who matter to you.”

Stay blessed and always take good care of yourself! It matters before you care for others.