Conversation with Dad

Since mom passed on, bonding with dad was a journey. It’s like getting to know him all over again. Weekends are probably the best time I can spend with my dad alongside keeping the house clean and cooking some hearty meals. It is also a time I try to have good conversations with dad. Each day passes by with so much uncertainty. While my dad is still fit, alert and can hold proper conversation, I’d figured it’ll be nice to create conversational memories with him. Some conversations ignite deep reflections on life. And this is one of the many that broadens the reflection.

Last month, I took my dad out to visit his sister at her home on one of the weekends. She is well in her golden years. Dad first got the news that his sister couldn't walk and was unwell since the beginning of the year. Prior to her coming home, she was admitted to the HDU ward - High Dependency Unit ward which no one knew about it. When dad told me bout this ward, I went on to Google to check what ward is this. It is a ward where patients who needed more observation, intensive and nursing care.

Our visit saw my aunt smiling & excited listening to our conversation over lunch, though she didn't eat at all. My cousin sister, who is now the caretaker of my aunt was trying to persuade her to eat with the help of a helper, but to no avail.

We all could see she wasn’t having any appetite at all and was one of the concerns of my cousin sister. It was also a moment I saw the compassion in my dad, when his niece was pestering his sister to eat numerous times, and when all attention was on his sister, my dad said, “why don’t we give her a break. She doesn’t want to eat. Let’s not force her.” I saw that he felt a little despair seeing his sister in this condition.

Looking back, once upon a time, her house was filled with so much vibrancy, her loud voice calling out my cousin brother who played outside the house unsupervised. On occasional weekend visits, she will cook up a feast to host my parents. My favourite dish of hers is the yam ring topped with sweet & sour pork and veges. Being a great cook and watching her over lunch of not wanting to eat, does somewhat make my heart soften like jellybean.

During my car ride home with dad, my reflections opened up a conversation with dad.

Me: Life is just strange. Aunt's house is so huge. But now only left her & her husband living there; and

a caretaker. You can see so many areas of the house are not used.

Dad: Yea, come to think bout it and the house is not very well kept.

Me: Guess, life is really a series of changes and adaptations. As we grow older, I don't think we need such huge house to live in. Doesn't matter what people are going to say, if you move from such big house to a smaller home, a nice cosy small space would be nice for our mobility as age catches up with us.

Dad: That's true ... (Went into thinking mode).

Me: Like you say, dad, every morning we are able to wake up, brush our teeth, wash our faces, shower, make breakfast, etc ...

Dad: reading news paper - doing the basics...

*(he still can't connect with virtual newspapers 😁)

Me: Yea, the basic. And physically fit to walk, getting from point A to point B with least assistance, something to be so thankful for. Of course, there's only so much we can do to look after ourselves, if anything else befall, we accept it but firstly, we must be able to look after ourselves.

Even if we have maid or caretaker, things like pee-ing and poo, caretaker can't do it for us.

Saying that, million things went through my brain. I paused, looking at the road in front of me.

At the corner of my eyes, I could see dad had a revelation hearing that last bit, too.

Dad: Hmm... That's so very true...they can't pee and poo for us ...

Me: Looking after ourselves is essential ...

In East Asian culture where I grew up, family pride is very important. And for the generation of boomers and before, their pride is much determined by possessions and the size of it. The bigger the better, the more the better. Possibly, the reason why we see our parents and grandparents must have the biggest house and biggest car and the best job in town. All because they want their family members and people to acknowledge how great, smart & capable they are. Now, this generation of people may also define a good life as not having to do anything when they grow old but be provided everything by their children. And if you are able to hire a helper or caretaker for them, where the helper does everything in the house, that family will be so much looked up upon to.

(Could this be just the East Asian culture or simply a generational thing - I don't know.)

But beyond that pride, our capability to look after ourselves - be our own advocate is what I see most essential.

We have heard of the quote "Our health is our (first) wealth."

It is easy to agree in-principle and our intellect helps us understand this very well, too.

But are we adhering to it while we nod our heads.

Everyone wants to have high achievements after achievements.

Everyone wants to be richer and richer & beyond.

There's nothing wrong or right.

On the flip side, what use is there when we have all the accolades for our achievements, all the money in the world but our health is not present to reap the fruits we harvested over the years?

Dalai Lama has this famous quote on humanity, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, & he answered, ‘Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

People always have opinions about us, but our day-to-day life is walked on by ourselves.

Life is sometimes not about the big thing but it's the small things that grow into the big things.

Let's put it this way, the diamond ring 💍 in the store is not mined from earth the way it is sitting stunningly as we see it. This ring has gone through an intricate process of mining, cutting, shaping, setting, polishing to enhance the brilliance of the stone.

So for us, it is the cultivation of little self care habits where our mental health is taken care, our emotional health is nurtured and our physical health is looked after. The big thing is our health.

Plainly said,

We can outsource roles in our businesses.

Perhaps, We can sometimes outsource love, too. I don’t know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I am very certain that we cannot outsource the functions within our bodily works, our mind maps & our emotional regulations.

This conversation with dad, I believe will be brought up every now & then - but for this one, I left it just there as we continued our journey home with silence from both sides. Only the sound of the echo in the car and our breath. We made it home before the heavy downpour.

Stay blessed wherever you are.

Take care of your good self. 🪷

I’ll leave you with these words (video below):