Anger in Us

Today’s topic is one that is very familiar to us - ANGER.

In all of my writings, including this one, the content is solely based on my experience, my observations and perspectives. Therefore, please take what resonates and leave what does not.

First of all, I am fairly confident that each and one of us has the anger seed in us. We all have experienced moments where an event or a behaviour or action of someone causes a strong feeling inside us that combines annoyance, irritation, frustration, displeasure, etc. When that happens, we feel our heart rate increases, blood pressure shoots up & our breathing becomes so heavy. Our muscles are all tensed up. For some of us, our faces turn fuchsia pink red. With our blood pressure soaring, we suddenly feel like it’s summer in our body – like a fire ball burning inside us. It really is an unpleasant feeling cos there is a tendency of releasing this fire through harsh speech. And sometimes, when this fire is too strong - it may explode to aggression depending on the person.

In general, anger has always gotten a bad rep.

In our societal culture, anger is much promoted to be seen as something negative, something unpleasant; therefore it is better to dismiss this emotion.

As we are expected to behave a certain way, one is can be easily labelled as a not nice person if we let our anger out in any situation that gives rise to it.

Also in some societal culture, we have heard of justifications reasoning out why we should not be angry like,

“They are your parents, you shouldn’t be angry with them.” or

“He or she has been your friend for so long, why are you getting all riled up over this ‘little’ thing.” or

“Children are young, they don’t know anything, so don’t get overworked about the matter.” or

“She or he is your colleague or manager, drop the matter, don’t be so sensitive to get all bothered.”

I’m sure there are many more but these are the common ones I have heard of or even been told.

We often hear of people not being angry is equivalent to having great EQ - be it in social, family or corporate environment. Because of this reason is also why we mostly suppress this emotion. Sometimes, we can be shamed or judged because we get angry.

Let’s put it this way, think about our personal relationship. I reckon if our partners are someone who never gets angry, by default we think our partners are the best pick in the world. *Smirk* But is that really so? Is there anyone who never gets angry?? I will not raise my hands to that.

As everyone expresses anger differently depending on the culture, personality and our conditioning, we may find it challenging to understand why the seed of anger is expressed in certain way; so much so we stigmatise them.

But I think, it’s probably because we’ve been shown how anger often end up with violence. Meaning, anger is often times perceived as fumes and rage, hence the bad publicity of it.

Reality is, anger is one of the many emotions we ought to feel. This emotions is closely identified with the feeling of frustration, irritation. When we deep dive to understand why our anger arises, it may not necessarily be a bad thing. We can learn to appreciate and understand this emotion if we know how to coax it.

On deeper thought, anger mostly arise when we feel we have been unjustly treated, either by act of behaviour or speech.

What could have started as mere annoyance or irritation can turn into frustration leading to anger; and for some extreme cases, fuming rage of violence. If you are interested, watch Beef, a drama miniseries on Netflix on how Anger can escalate when one triggers it further.

In the moment of frustration, annoyance or anger, it’s natural that we may want to do an emotional dumping of what has taken place – where we vent out by unloading our personal problem to friends or colleagues.

Emotional dumping is least encouraged because this act of venting out mostly does not take into consideration our own surroundings or the other person’s emotional state or needs.

But have we all done it? I think we all have been guilty of doing this emotional dumping in our lives or maybe we’ve been the dumpsite for others’ emotional dumping, too.

We also know that avoiding anger or suppressing our frustration (for whatever reasons it may be) does not work well with our physical health.

So what do we do?

Firstly, let’s learn to accept and understand that everyone has the inclination to be angry.

Depending on our type of personality & other factors, anything & everything can frustrate us – pushing us towards the angry state. Sometimes, unconsciously we mock our closed one’s act of irritation instead of pacifying or making space for them to calm down, and this we inadvertently raise their temperature sky rocket high.

Then there are some people who love to tease others, especially when comes to teasing of one’s physical appearance – tall, short, thin, fat, pimply face, hairy skin, etc – you name it. But not everyone enjoy the teasing & there’s a lot more way to have fun than teasing others.

Awareness of ourselves and of others is essential.

Once we learn to accept and understand that seed of anger is in everyone, perhaps we can then better give space to recognise our seed of anger without any self-judgement. We don’t condone to demeaning words and we don’t attach ourselves to the words uttered by others that bruises our self-esteem.

Within the seed of anger, we remind ourself that there isn't a need to water the seed to the extreme part of the scale that leads to fuming up or raging fire. Here, with just a tinch of awareness and mindfulness, we make a choice to either react or response, though I would agree that the latter sometimes could be a challenge in that very moment. I have experienced it in some situations – I am not proud of it but also acknowledge the consequence of it, thereby emphasising my continued learning in this department.

There are different repercussions of REACTING to anger versus RESPONDING to anger.

Reacting to anger may bring regrets; but responding to anger delays the harshness that may present within the split second because, response always give us the moment to pause and think whether is this worth reacting to or it is better to retreat.

This can usually happens in argument with people. Watch how the conversation can escalate from argument to quarrelling to sometimes, even fights. To retreat from a conversation that we know will lead to arguments is sometimes mere respect of ourselves. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong or whether we agree or disagree. It’s just too much energy used that could be well used elsewhere. Again it is easier said than done – we can only be more mindful each time. 

Anger in some ways helps us recognise where our boundaries are - and sometimes, it silently makes us ponder, helping us see if we are connecting with people that connects with our values. Because, if the core values are not aligned, it is possibly easier to have arguments or disagreements during conversation. Yes, of course if they are our loved ones, it’s a little difficult to say ‘Disconnect’. I’d get it. I reckon, awareness is crucial when dealing with them because they may be lacking the awareness which they don’t know they are lacking of.

Overall, when we give time to recognise, understand and accept our anger, we can then pacify this emotion gently and gracefully. It takes time and patience because we will always be faced with people, situations, events that pushes our buttons.

To sum up anger and us, I thought I’d share extracts from a chapter in the book written by Dr Gabor Maté with his son, Daniel Maté called The Myth of Normal on this topic.

Healthy anger is NOT:

1. Blind rage

2. Bluster

3. Resentment

4. Spite

5. Venom or Bile

These stem from unhealthy buildup of unexpressed or unintegrated emotions that need to be experienced and understood rather than acted out.

Suppressed anger or anger amplified out of proportion is Toxic.

What anger is, in its healthy and natural form is a boundary defense, a dynamic activated when we perceive a threat to our lives, our physical or emotional integrity.

Its full functioning is a standard feature of our wholeness and is essential for survival.

Healthy anger is a response of the moment – not a beast we keep in the basement, feeding it with shame or self-justifying narratives.

Healthy anger is situational and duration is limited – flashing up when needed, accomplishes its task of fending it off the threat then subsides.

So, there you have it. If one thinks that our anger defines who we are, maybe we can rethink that. Keep aside the shame, embarrassment or how ever we may have judged ourselves.

Expressing the feeling of anger does not necessarily mean we aren't a good person. It’s part of BEing. We can always start anew from this moment on how we approach anger.

I’ll leave you with these words,

There is no summer without winter,

Where spring and autumn pacifies in between.

There is ignorance of calmness,

If our anger is buried all these while.

Allow ourselves to feel with awareness,

For this present time is also not without the past.

Stay blessed and always take good care of yourself! It matters before you care for others. ❤️